The first problems emerge early, when she is 11… a huge, uncontrollable desire to touch women’s breasts. Sometimes she does it and garners bewildered looks.
She tries to break up all the couples that surround her. She flirts with a boy or tells lies about him to a girl.
She finishes school with honours and getting her award at the leaving party she shouts: “Suck, boys, suck!”
Receiving unpleasant remarks from men she’s attracted only by handsome slender girls representing an absolute Femininity. Scandals and gossip around her aren’t rare. She visits a male party but flees from tender looks.
She revels in the firm feeling of being a chosen one and in the development of a philosophy on the benefits of masturbation.
As she turns 18 she finds a girlfriend - a standard short-haired sportswoman, a swimmer. They’re together for half a year, then the swimmer becomes pregnant. There’s a brutal row and the swimmer leaves, then the first suicidal attempt.
At the clinic she confesses to a doctor.
She is advised to wear women’s clothes, to play with children and by all means to get a male lover.
She tries hard. She’s dating married men but this goes nowhere.
She likes to talk, but lying under a male body she feels sick and looking at a naked man she can’t help but laugh.
She gets a job at some kindergarten but she’s mainly noticing the girls’ golden freckles. She’s sacked.
The doctor recommends that she get her own child, to instigate a reorientation. She offers him to do it here and now. He refuses, for he’s married and doesn’t want any problems in the future. She gives him a slap in the face: “fucking philosopher”.
She tries martial arts, swimming (out of dedication to her first love), shooting, dance. She dances in men’s suits, taking the lead. Her coldness is attractive. They offer her a role in a film. On a poster she’s in the very centre.
Her always clenched fists and turtleneck sweater become iconic.
She spends more and more time on stage.
She travels a lot. An airgun is always with her, as well as two-meter-high targets in the form of herself, naked. A nipple – “Home Button” – 5 points. A clit – “Life Trigger” – 10 points.
Text: Anton Adasinsky
English text editing: Jennifer Williams
Photos: Elena Yarovaya, Kirstin Richter
Photo design: Elena Yarovaya