David found a bread crust. Arthur saw this and in response hurdled himself on top of David and smacked his head with a maraca. David cried out and dropped the crust. Arthur grabbed the abandoned piece of bread, ran for the bathroom, shut himself, and also started screaming. David picked up the maraca, and began to laugh demonically.
At that moment, I realized the kids are all grown up now, and I can finally return to my professional career. It was all waiting and ready a while ago.
So of course sideburns, baseball cap bill over my face, glued blonde hair, a baggy coat, one heal higher than the other, and glasses with a “+ 3” prescription — helps me see and makes eyes look bigger.
The drive was fast. I left the car at a gas station near by a café. Perfect timing! It’s Saturday, crowded, and the employees probably already want to go home.
Armed with tubes of antiseptic salve “Vishenvskogo”, I squeezed the strong smelling cream onto the welcome rug in front of an elevator. The smell spread quickly and throughout the whole store. Aware of the video surveillance, I tried not to stop or look around. I was going to a person who, just eight months ago, sold me the wrong blinds.
The person was in his spot. I quickly made an order and he left for about ten minutes. Meanwhile, this gave me time to bring up “451 F” on his computer screen, set a toy barking dog for the attention of customers, pour permanent glue over the keyboard, and get the hell out of there. From the opening of my sleeve, I spayed all the locks with liquid putty.
Time for the most important part… Thanks to the absence of cameras in the bathroom, I was able turn my coat inside out and leave a bag with a sticker “RUN!” on it. In less than ten minutes the radio echoed warning of evacuation.
Crammed in the elevator with everyone else, I leaned my back against the wall and left a large sticker reading: “God made us different – IKEA conforms us!” This slogan was chosen in advance and took some time. Other possibilities were: “Since 1997 — all the same”, “Prices match the quality!”, and others a bit more offensive ones but that would be just over doing it.
Along with the crowd, I ran out of the elevator and simply hid inside a closet. I stayed there for fifteen minutes before I put on a mask and lit up a smoke grenade.
Now, I could come out. I was invisible. There were no people. To light up everything was a matter of seconds and already, because of the smoke grenade, firemen were on their way. I put on a costume of a surgeon (taken from theater) as well as a facemask and disposable booties, which were extra but looked realistic. The basement was not as hot from the fire. There, I waited for the sound of an ambulance. (Their sirens echo the prefect fourth just like the Soviet Union anthem).
The basement filled up with clouds of smoke.
Using a couple of sticks and a piece of cloth, I put together something that resembled a stretcher and ran for the doors. Outside was flooded with cars, filled with screams, and bursting with chaotic sounds. I made my way to a wall and sat down coughing. Immediately, a fireman rushed over to me. I pointed into the depths of the store and ran off to get water from somebody by an ambulance. While I was washing my face, I was completely forgotten about. So I just changed, stuffed everything in my backpack, and joined the observing crowd.
I only forgot to take off the disposable booties (I noticed in the car), but it’s alright, they have been on since museum Hermitage…
Text: Anton Adasinsky
Translation: Nikita Pushkareva
Photos: Elena Yarovaya